Fake Smile
by daynaa
Summary: Basically a songfic... not very happy at all, rather negative, stages of denial, anger acceptance... I don't know... incoporating it in my next fanfiction with this, so just let me know what you think...


I can't believe it. I won't. It isn't true, they're lying, everyone is lying. They're just trying to hurt me, to break me. I can't let them. I need you more than ever. It can't be true. I can still smell you; I can still feel you holding me tight, protecting me like you always have. I'll wake up, and you'll be holding me and telling me it's all going to be fine, because you're there for me. You promised you'd never leave…

_You don't think I would notice when you're gone?_

_You don' think I would care enough to notice?_

_Did you even think about me before?_

_You left and didn't even say goodbye._

Then I feel it, I feel you shaking me back to the consciousness of another day. I start to open my eyes slowly, but it's not you. I whisper for whoever it is to go away. I can tell it isn't you. It isn't your touch; it isn't your smell… why won't you come back to me? You are my world, you are my everything. How could you ever leave me alone? I'm not strong enough to handle things alone. Every time I open my eyes and you're not there my heart dies. Over and over my heart dies, it shatters, and it explodes. Every time they tell me you're gone. You're gone forever, you're not coming back, my heart shatters into a million pieces and I wish I was gone too. Why did they take you away from me? Why aren't you still here holding me, protecting me, like you promised you always would?

_But in this world of backstabbing lies_

_Where a fake smile,_

_Can make things perfect,_

_Who cares if we fear the things we need most?_

_Who cares? Not me. Not now, I can't afford to. _

_To lose._

This time I open my eyes for real, all the way. You're gone, and I know it. As much as I love you, you've broken your promises. You've broken my heart, and I hate you for it. I hate you more than I've hated anyone before, and at the same time I long for you and love you more than I ever did. I would give anything to be with you. I would give anything for all those people to be lying… but they're not. You're promises are gone. And the worst part is? I have to go on. I can't keep my eyes shut tight forever. If I shut my eyes, I can smell you, I can feel you, I can hear you promising you'll never leave. You're perfect in my mind. You haven't a single flaw. You were the reflection of perfect to me. How was I blinded by your love and promises? How was I so naïve, so vulnerable? You promised you were different, and now you have left me like everyone else. I have to get up and push one more memory to the back of my mind. I have to get up every day and pretend one more thing isn't ripping me up inside. Well it is, but you wouldn't care. You don't have to wake up every morning anymore. You don't have to have your heart shattered to pieces every single time you open your eyes. You took the easy way out, and left me with fake promises and lies. That's all I have left.

_So now you know I notice when you're gone._

_Now you know I cared enough to notice._

_But do you, notice me, anymore?_

_Now that I notice you?_

_I hope you do._

Do you know what it feels like? It doesn't compare to anything else in the world, except maybe the continues reminders and realization that you are gone and you're responsible. How could someone as beautiful, so perfect be so horrible, so cruel, so mean? Did you plan it this way the whole time? Did knowing I trusted you, knowing that I loved you more than anything else in this world; did that make it more fun? The promises you made, the lies you made to earn my trust, to earn my love, did they replace your self respect, and did they replace your soul? Then did you get tired of my love and trust like you got tired of yourself? But this time, there was no third chance. There was no more love, no more trust, no more power left for you in this world, so you left. And now you're gone. Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know what you've done to me? What you do to me everyday? You kill me slowly, slowly and more painfully than you died. You died in such a dishonest, painless way… it makes me sick to think about it. The only thing that makes me sicker is to think how blinded I was by your promises, by your image of false perfection that only I could see, that only I could understand. And now, I hate you more than ever. But does it matter to you? No. You left this world knowing I loved you, trusted you, and needed you more than anything else. You were my life, and you are gone. You were my heart and now you're gone. You were my everything, and you chose to leave. You weren't forced, you weren't asked, you chose to shatter me, to break me, to leave me, and now, I am paying more than the price for my vulnerability for my will to trust others when no one did. I am paying for my faith, for my hope, for everything that I believed in, for everything that I thought you were the perfect reflection of. I am paying for that now.

_But in this world of backstabbing lies_

_Where a fake smile,_

_Can make things perfect,_

_Who cares if we fear the things we need most?_

_Who cares? Not me. Not now, I can't afford to. _

_To lose._

I will never trust anyone again. Nor will I love, have faith, have hope, nor believe another word out of anybody's mouth. I myself will do horrible things, tell horrible lies. This is what you have turned me into. What the hell were you thinking when you betrayed me? Wasn't I enough for you? I would have given you anything, anything you wanted, anything you needed. I was at your disposal, but I wasn't enough. I have never been enough for anyone. I have never been more than second best. I will never get the chance to experience the kind of love and vulnerability that you experienced in me. I will never let myself suck the life out of someone so young, so pure, and then proceed to break their heart, smash their heart, for every remaining day they breathe. I will never be you. Never.

_Now I see you walking away_

_So I turn and walk the other way_

_This isn't how I pictured things inside._

_Things were perfect_

_In my mind_

_Perfect, in my mind._

I will never know what you felt. I will never feel what it is like to have complete and total control over another beings mind and actions. I was your doll, your puppet, your wish was my command, and what did you choose to do? You chose to let me keep my breath. You chose to let me scientifically live on, but you know what? I'm not living anymore. I'm not. You can't live without trust, you can't live without love. Without vulnerability, without hope, without faith, without soul, without all of the pure assets of life that you took when you chose to leave. You had more than your share of these traits than anyone I have ever met, and anyone I ever hope to meet. To me, you were the reflection of everything holy and perfect, you were the living god, you were amazing, but really, you were a coward. You were a monster, you were mean, and you didn't follow the rules. I could never see into your soul as you did mine. You never made a single sacrifice for me, but I gave you everything, and I didn't mind. As long as you kept feeding me your heartless promises of protection and love. As long as you help me while I wept over my insecurities, my powerlessness, my not being you. To be you was the only thing I ever wanted, but now, it's the farthest thing from what I want. All I want is to be me. Me before I met you. Me before my life was sucked out of me by a living, lifeless hell.

_  
But in this world of backstabbing lies_

_Where a fake smile,_

_Can make things perfect,_

_Who cares if we fear the things we need most?_

_Who cares? Not me. Not now, I can't afford to. _

_To lose._

But you know what? They're right. You're dead. You're gone. Your promises are gone, your love is gone. You never really saw me as a person, you saw me as an object. An object that would benefit you. The only thing you cared about, the only thing you ever cared about was you, and you took yourself. You took me with you. You claimed both of our lives, and now I'm left here to pay for it all. That is and still was my purpose. To find you, to love you, to pay for your love. I was the one to seek you, I was the one to trust you, to give myself to you, and now, I'm the one to pay for you. I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you. The thoughts are too much for my mind to bear. You really came up with the perfect plan, you know that? The broken promises and the lack of my love, my purity, my trust, that is what breaks, what shatters, my heart every time I realize you're gone. The price I pay for your memories, for my personal blame for your wilting, for your passing that kills my mind. Now you see, as you knew you would, you kill me as a whole. Body and mind. You had me completely engulfed in the process of loving, trusting and caring for you, and now you have me completely engulfed in mourning and blaming for your lose. But I'm the only one mourning; I'm the only one blaming.

_I'll put on my fake smile and I will leave._

_I'll forget of you and you of me_

_I love you forever and always_

_Always, but its fine._

_Well, it's perfect…_

_Because I've got,_

_This great fake smile_

_To put back on._

_To make things perfect one more time._

_One last time._

And now I sit by this fire as it roars and cracks, it is engulfing all of my physical memories of you like you engulfed me. It's burning right through your smile, through your lies. It is burning all of those flaws I was blind to for eternity. And I'm moving on. I can't sit and waste anymore time missing you, because that would mean admitting I was wrong. Maybe if I cry enough tears, maybe if I say enough prayers, maybe some of my purity, some of my innocence, some of my love will be restored. Maybe. Maybe I'll get over you, and find someone to whom I'm everything. Equality is something I have never experienced for myself, as true love. Two way love. It takes to people to love, I know that now, and someone somewhere will love me. They will love me for me, not to gain my innocence, not for my trust, they will love me for who I am. Your promises will live forever in my shattered heart; your face will be forever in my broken mind. Now I need someone to numb the pain, someone, anyone. I need someone to trust me like I trusted you. Is this what you felt like when you were searching for me? Will I make promises and be somebody's world and then rip myself away from them and continue this horrible chain of events? I hope I will never be you, funny because that's the only thing I ever wanted in this world, and now it's the only thing I never want. But now I know the truth. I know the real you and I hate you. I really do, so I'm telling everyone I'm fine, see? I am smiling, I am fine, I tell them. I've gotten really good, you know, I can fake a smile almost as well as you can. It's all in the eyes… if you can make your eyes look happy, then they'll believe you. They can no longer look into my heart to see if I am telling the truth because my heart lies forever with you, wherever you have moved onto, and this is goodbye.


End file.
